i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
