I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
