youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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