A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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