Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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