I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
