even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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