Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
