I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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