if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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