I could have mohawked her pubes.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
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