The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
