I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
