The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The dick lei will go down in squad history
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
