yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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