I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
