you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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