Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
