I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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