I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
