I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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