There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
