If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
