I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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