$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
