A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
