The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
