Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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