I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
