I got chris browned last night
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
