I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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