Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
