He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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