My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
