apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
