i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
