This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
