And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
