Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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