Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
