What a fucking waste of an outfit
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
