I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
