I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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