whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
