god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
high people should be assigned attendants
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
