He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
