So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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