the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
