She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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