apparently the secret to your success is patron
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
