Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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